Bad News

I'm back up to 207.  Being in charge if that weight loss competition was HORRIBLE for my own weight loss and overall fitness.  Winter has been hell on my emotional well-being and on my running.  I've been through some dark nights of the soul and finally started to address my deep-rooted identity crisis.

When I told a friend recently that I didn't know who I was anymore, she said that she couldn't understand.  My explanation was surprisingly simple to both of us.  My entire life, my identity has been wrapped up in my talent for performance and my overall leadership qualities.  Now that I am utilizing neither in my personal nor professional life, I feel lost.  All I ever wanted to do was be on stage, but I'm a coward.  Had I had one ounce of bravery, I'd never have made most of the choices I've made since my senior year of high school.

The hard part now is learning not to harbor regret and bitterness, but to instead re-evaluate my personal goals.  Now that I have a family, my goals have to change, but I have no idea how I fit into the world when I'm not on stage.  Who knows what happens next, but I think it will involve a beach.

Yorktown Beach, Mother's Day 2012

And we're live...

Something interesting to note: I did get hired from that September 17 interview.  It's been 9 weeks since my last post and not a whole lot has happened.

I haven't been running at all.  I ran the first of October, then not again until I ran two races back to back and hurt my left foot, the I didn't run at all for about a month.  About a week before the Donut Run, I got out and did 2 miles, but damn do I dislike running in the cold.  A few folks have suggested running in the evening instead of in the morning, so I may try that.  I had a really great time running with Carmen and Elizabeth during the Donut Run. :)

On November 1, I started a No (low) Carb November.  I did AWESOMELY until November 14-- The Melting Pot Date with book club.  I ate and drank like a starving person.  Then was the RM staff meeting-- same result.  Then Thanksgiving week-- family Thursday, friends Friday, family Saturday, and now I'm going to spend the day eating all the left-overs so we can get back on track for this week.  I'm no-carbing it until the end of this competition, Dec. 9.  My goal is to get into the 180s.  Wow-- can you imagine?  I don't remember a time I saw 180 on a scale.  It was before I cared about such things.

In other news: I cut all my hair off.

Before:

After:

Week 1

Successes: I lost some mass.  I stopped McDonald's for good.

Failures:  I didn't run.  I drank A LOT.  I had an emotional breakdown.

Today I watched a movie recommended to me by my doctor called The Secret.  The overall message is a good one, but the production is reminiscent of A Case for Christ.  That's bad.  Now I'm stuck on Netflix stuff on happiness documentaries.

I've also been listening to books on Buddhism.  I'm into it.  Taking responsibility for myself and my thoughts and emotions.  Working on it.

It Starts, Again

I got up at 5am.

I ran 2 miles.

I ate eggs for breakfast.

I'm going to shower and go to a job interview.

I WILL GET HIRED.

I'm then going grocery shopping.

I will not freak out about my missing wallet.

I will not lament my life choices today.

New-ish

I'm raw and vulnerable tonight.  I'm ready for a change, but don't know what it is.  I feel completely out of control.  Maybe this is how Christians fee when they "let God take over."  All I know is that right now, I can control one thing: my body.  I was pigging out all the last two weeks and I feel so gross.  Tomorrow, I'm focusing on a healthy me.  I can do it.  Focus on me, Margot and Jesse.  That's all that matters right now.  The rest can wait.

Question:  Has anyone had success with meditation in any form?

Cruel Summer

During the weight loss competition, I lost 26lbs officially.  That was 12 weeks.  Since then, I've lost only 3 lbs.  Really?  Come on, self!  I'm not sure why I hit the brakes, but I'm going to be moderating this next competition, so hopefully I'll be able to kick some butt again this fall.

I'm in a super weird place right now.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I had complete faith that I'd have a job by now.  I was POSITIVE it would be in a school.  Not only am I not in a school, I'm nowhere.  I joke that this fall I'll be running my hustle by subbing, working at Sycamore Rouge and teaching with Drama Kids, but it's hard to work so hard when I could be chillin' on unemployment.  The whole thing is a trap.

During an interview this week, the woman I was interviewing with turned out to be the grandmother of one of my favorite students.  She asked me why I left, because it was clear that I loved it.  It was the first time anyone told me that it was clear that I loved anything.  The problem right now is that I can't find a teaching job-- anywhere.  I've tried.  I applied for every opening, then emailed every principal in the surrounding counties to let them know that I'm available.  Nothin.  So... I applied to grad school and I'm looking at a Masters in Special Education.  I'm really into it and now it's just a waiting game.  When does one stop waiting and start just living?

Better and Worse

I'm better in that I've stopped freaking out actively about our financial situation and my personal self-loathing.  This week has been bad emotionally, and so it has been bad nutritionally, too.  I haven't actually had anything to drink today.  I ate a whole bunch of grapes, so I guess I'm not thirsty.  I don't know.

I got five more rejections today.

I applied to be the theatre business manager at Temple University today.

I haven't done any form of exercise since yesterday morning and I feel crappy.

I've been purging all our stuff.  I'm even ready to sell the DVDs.  Not kidding.

Wanna buy some?