Bad News

I'm back up to 207.  Being in charge if that weight loss competition was HORRIBLE for my own weight loss and overall fitness.  Winter has been hell on my emotional well-being and on my running.  I've been through some dark nights of the soul and finally started to address my deep-rooted identity crisis.

When I told a friend recently that I didn't know who I was anymore, she said that she couldn't understand.  My explanation was surprisingly simple to both of us.  My entire life, my identity has been wrapped up in my talent for performance and my overall leadership qualities.  Now that I am utilizing neither in my personal nor professional life, I feel lost.  All I ever wanted to do was be on stage, but I'm a coward.  Had I had one ounce of bravery, I'd never have made most of the choices I've made since my senior year of high school.

The hard part now is learning not to harbor regret and bitterness, but to instead re-evaluate my personal goals.  Now that I have a family, my goals have to change, but I have no idea how I fit into the world when I'm not on stage.  Who knows what happens next, but I think it will involve a beach.

Yorktown Beach, Mother's Day 2012

And we're live...

Something interesting to note: I did get hired from that September 17 interview.  It's been 9 weeks since my last post and not a whole lot has happened.

I haven't been running at all.  I ran the first of October, then not again until I ran two races back to back and hurt my left foot, the I didn't run at all for about a month.  About a week before the Donut Run, I got out and did 2 miles, but damn do I dislike running in the cold.  A few folks have suggested running in the evening instead of in the morning, so I may try that.  I had a really great time running with Carmen and Elizabeth during the Donut Run. :)

On November 1, I started a No (low) Carb November.  I did AWESOMELY until November 14-- The Melting Pot Date with book club.  I ate and drank like a starving person.  Then was the RM staff meeting-- same result.  Then Thanksgiving week-- family Thursday, friends Friday, family Saturday, and now I'm going to spend the day eating all the left-overs so we can get back on track for this week.  I'm no-carbing it until the end of this competition, Dec. 9.  My goal is to get into the 180s.  Wow-- can you imagine?  I don't remember a time I saw 180 on a scale.  It was before I cared about such things.

In other news: I cut all my hair off.

Before:

After:

Week 1

Successes: I lost some mass.  I stopped McDonald's for good.

Failures:  I didn't run.  I drank A LOT.  I had an emotional breakdown.

Today I watched a movie recommended to me by my doctor called The Secret.  The overall message is a good one, but the production is reminiscent of A Case for Christ.  That's bad.  Now I'm stuck on Netflix stuff on happiness documentaries.

I've also been listening to books on Buddhism.  I'm into it.  Taking responsibility for myself and my thoughts and emotions.  Working on it.

It Starts, Again

I got up at 5am.

I ran 2 miles.

I ate eggs for breakfast.

I'm going to shower and go to a job interview.

I WILL GET HIRED.

I'm then going grocery shopping.

I will not freak out about my missing wallet.

I will not lament my life choices today.

New-ish

I'm raw and vulnerable tonight.  I'm ready for a change, but don't know what it is.  I feel completely out of control.  Maybe this is how Christians fee when they "let God take over."  All I know is that right now, I can control one thing: my body.  I was pigging out all the last two weeks and I feel so gross.  Tomorrow, I'm focusing on a healthy me.  I can do it.  Focus on me, Margot and Jesse.  That's all that matters right now.  The rest can wait.

Question:  Has anyone had success with meditation in any form?

Cruel Summer

During the weight loss competition, I lost 26lbs officially.  That was 12 weeks.  Since then, I've lost only 3 lbs.  Really?  Come on, self!  I'm not sure why I hit the brakes, but I'm going to be moderating this next competition, so hopefully I'll be able to kick some butt again this fall.

I'm in a super weird place right now.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I had complete faith that I'd have a job by now.  I was POSITIVE it would be in a school.  Not only am I not in a school, I'm nowhere.  I joke that this fall I'll be running my hustle by subbing, working at Sycamore Rouge and teaching with Drama Kids, but it's hard to work so hard when I could be chillin' on unemployment.  The whole thing is a trap.

During an interview this week, the woman I was interviewing with turned out to be the grandmother of one of my favorite students.  She asked me why I left, because it was clear that I loved it.  It was the first time anyone told me that it was clear that I loved anything.  The problem right now is that I can't find a teaching job-- anywhere.  I've tried.  I applied for every opening, then emailed every principal in the surrounding counties to let them know that I'm available.  Nothin.  So... I applied to grad school and I'm looking at a Masters in Special Education.  I'm really into it and now it's just a waiting game.  When does one stop waiting and start just living?

Better and Worse

I'm better in that I've stopped freaking out actively about our financial situation and my personal self-loathing.  This week has been bad emotionally, and so it has been bad nutritionally, too.  I haven't actually had anything to drink today.  I ate a whole bunch of grapes, so I guess I'm not thirsty.  I don't know.

I got five more rejections today.

I applied to be the theatre business manager at Temple University today.

I haven't done any form of exercise since yesterday morning and I feel crappy.

I've been purging all our stuff.  I'm even ready to sell the DVDs.  Not kidding.

Wanna buy some?

I'm Losing It

I have no job.
I'm not cut out to spend 24 hours a day with this kid.
I'm questioning every choice I ever made.
I want to stab everyone.

THIS HAS TO END.

Glee

Every now and then I find something that moves me to obsession.

When I was a teenager, it was Hanson.

Then in college, Dave Matthews Band.

It's been a long time since I was in love with piece of pop culture and I resisted Glee for a long time.  I don't know what episode I watched one time, but I was annoyed, so I never paid attention, even when they made headlines.

So... Margot grabs hold of the PS3 controller, which is how we watch Netflix, and clicks random buttons all the time.  A week or so ago, she landed on Glee and I cried during the first episode and I was hooked.  Jane Lynch is a comedic genius and everyone else is just pretty and sings and dances and who doesn't love that?!

One thing that I've rediscovered about myself is how much music can move me to another place altogether.  Sometimes just the first few notes of a song can make me start weeping.  Hymns from my childhood have the effect on me and do many love songs.  I'm going to just own this and not be shamed by my easy tears.  :)

Easy to laugh, easy to cry.

Also-- this is my new celebrity crush.

Another Let Down

A received three more refusal emails today.  One of them was the last theatre job that is open within 50 miles, so my teaching hopes for next year are nil.  God, this sucks.

Color Me Rad

On Saturday, I completed my first "run".  It was Color Me Rad and though is was not actually a 5k, it was fun.  I had such a feeling of success and joy when I was done.  I'm a little disappointed that it was not 5k, because I thought I had an amazing run time, but I'm running a REAL 5k next Saturday to make up for it.  Here are some pictures!

Before... 7am

  

After... 10am

   

Start line.  My phone was in a ziplock.

I wore my crappy shoes, so my feet were killing me after.  When I took my shoes off...

I don't know why, but I LOVE this picture.

In other news, I'm back under 200.  199.3.

Laziness = Failure

Well, not always.  Sometimes my laziness creates extreme efficiency and I get a ton done so that I can be as lazy as possible later. But right now, I'm failing because I don't plan ahead and I'm lazy.

Today Margot and I went to the Hanover Tomato Festival.  I was planning in sharing something to eat with Margot while we were there and then chugging water.  That reminds me...

Ok, I'm back.  I haven't had anything to drink in hours.  Lazy.

Anyway, I didn't think ahead to the fact that instead of spending money, I could bring our own food, nor did I think ahead that fair vendors are not going to take plastic and that a small local fair won't rent an ATM machine.  So what ended up happening is that Margot had some snacks from a churchy group and my sugar got low.  Also, since I had spent the morning chugging water, I had to pee, but there was no way to do so.  Port-o-potties are not exactly toddler friendly.    In the end, we walked around and looked at stuff, I got this awesome sign:

More info:   http://www.powellforva.com/

and we left.  When we left, I was anxious to find somewhere we could eat and use the bathroom.  Pole Green Rd, which turns into Meadowbridge Rd has NOTHING on it.  We finally hit a McDonald's at Laburnum.  It was gross.  I ate more than the whole day's worth of calories in one sitting, but I couldn't make myself stop until I stopped shaking from the low blood sugar.  ALL of these problems could have been avoided if I had just planned ahead. 

1785 calories in one sitting.  No wonder...

I’ve also been failing at forcing Jesse to eat well.  We ate out twice yesterday and it was because: 1.)  I hate cooking. 2.) Jesse didn’t feel like cooking. 3.) I wanted to give Jesse what he wanted.  So yesterday I solicited a promise to go for a walk after dinner tonight but with the weather like it is, I doubt that will happen.  I just feel defeated.  I broke through 200, only to jump right back up when I hadn't been yo-yo-ing at all.  Every single week I was consistently losing weight.  


What's wrong with me?  


Why won't I let myself succeed?

Little of Importance

I've been struggling these past few weeks with my unemployment and a feeling of general unrest and dissatisfaction.  This leads to eating three bowls of Cherrios.  How do you handle this?

Vacation Sabotage

I gained five pounds on vacation and they were all from drinking.  I've been punished with being fat and with a hell of a hang-over on the way home today.  Ugh.  Back on the wagon tomorrow.

In other news... I am now one of those iPhone people.

One-derland!

199, y'all.

This morning when I woke up, I thought, "I bet I can run to Kroger and back."  And I did.  Five miles.  I was running for 2.9 of those miles and sweating my ASS off.  On my way back I was crossing the street when a woman in an SUV waved me down.  She said, "I saw you going up that way earlier.  You're doing a great job.  Keep it up."  :)  It was very kind and made me feel really good. There's an older guy in my neighborhood who always cheers me on when he sees me running.  Why are these people so nice?  It reminds me of just how little effort it takes to make someone feel good and encourages me to do the same for others.

In celebration of my weigh-in today, I went to Kiss and Make Up to buy new bras.  Mine were WAY too big, but I made myself wait until I reached my first goal to buy new ones.  As always, going there is like heaven.  Ruth, the owner, is a true treasure and just looked at me to guess how much weight I had lost and what my new bra size would be.  I went from a 40G to a 36G.  My cup size didn't change, but I lost 4 inches on the band!!!!  Putting on the new bra, I felt like my breasts were floating.  There are few greater joys in life than truly supported, lifted and separated breasts.  

So...here we are in ONE-derland (as they say on Biggest Loser).  I haven't been here since my Southbeach days in my senior year of college.  2003.  9 years.  I gotta say... I'm pretty proud.

Gross

I feel completely gross.

I'm on my period and still trying to keep up with the running, but this old school cramping is killing me.   From my shoulders to my knees--PAIN.  There should be a service for women when they are suffering menses where someone comes to take care of her child so that said child does not spend the day in only a diaper eating cereal, bananas, and leftover noodles.

I got slightly motivated during nap time and took down the old drapery rods.  Then I realized that I needed a drill to put up a new one.  So now I'm sitting on the couch in pain and the love seat has all kinds of broken blinds and screws and brackets littering the cushions.  I like the window with nothing on it, but when I expressed this opinion to Jesse, he said, "I don't.  It's scary.  People and aliens can look in."

On that note, fb brought me this gem today:

.7

Gain.  Again.

I will be under 200 on Sunday.

First Week of Weight GAIN

201.7.

This week has been rough, but the problem lies in my depressed state.  I was eating out because I didn't feel like cooking/preparing anything.  I wasn't running because I kept finding other things I "needed" to do.  I'm really disappointed in myself because I really thought I'd kill 200 this week.

I just feel like everything in my life is up in the air.  No job.  No job prospects.  No income plan.

At least my kid is cute.

First "Sentence"

Help me.

She's so cute.

I Won Second Place!

Woot!  I weighed in at 201.  Just 2 lbs shy of my goal for this challenge.  Then this week has been another emotional roller coast and I can feel myself sliding back into bad choices called "McDonald's" or "Taco Bell" or "Hong Kong Delivery".  I also haven't run since Sunday. It is Thursday.

I had another interview this week.  It was for a part-time position in Hanover.  The principal was interesting.  She went on and on about how strong the theatre program is, then she told me the time-line of said program.  For 10 years the school had a full-time teacher and did musicals like "Seussical" and "Annie".  Then she cut the position to part-time, which caused the teacher to leave.  Last year she had a teacher who was part-time theatre and part-time language arts.  Since the LA position was cut and the teacher needs a full-time position, they are hiring someone for just part-time theatre.  It sounds like to me that the theatre classes are on the chopping block.  Now, that either means that theatre is low on the priority list for this principal or that the class numbers are low-- which would make sense if the teacher previously was doing only musicals. Let's be real-- if kids want to sing, they'll take chorus.  I didn't leave with a sense of my prospects positive or not, but I don't know about if I'd take it part-time if it was offered to me.  Sigh...

In Margot news, she mockingbird-ed her first curse word the other night.  "B!tch".  So proud.  Before you get all judgey-pants, you should know that no one was calling anyone a b!tch.  She also started sleeping in her crib for a few hours a night. Baby steps!