Week 1

Successes: I lost some mass.  I stopped McDonald's for good.

Failures:  I didn't run.  I drank A LOT.  I had an emotional breakdown.

Today I watched a movie recommended to me by my doctor called The Secret.  The overall message is a good one, but the production is reminiscent of A Case for Christ.  That's bad.  Now I'm stuck on Netflix stuff on happiness documentaries.

I've also been listening to books on Buddhism.  I'm into it.  Taking responsibility for myself and my thoughts and emotions.  Working on it.

It Starts, Again

I got up at 5am.

I ran 2 miles.

I ate eggs for breakfast.

I'm going to shower and go to a job interview.

I WILL GET HIRED.

I'm then going grocery shopping.

I will not freak out about my missing wallet.

I will not lament my life choices today.

New-ish

I'm raw and vulnerable tonight.  I'm ready for a change, but don't know what it is.  I feel completely out of control.  Maybe this is how Christians fee when they "let God take over."  All I know is that right now, I can control one thing: my body.  I was pigging out all the last two weeks and I feel so gross.  Tomorrow, I'm focusing on a healthy me.  I can do it.  Focus on me, Margot and Jesse.  That's all that matters right now.  The rest can wait.

Question:  Has anyone had success with meditation in any form?

Cruel Summer

During the weight loss competition, I lost 26lbs officially.  That was 12 weeks.  Since then, I've lost only 3 lbs.  Really?  Come on, self!  I'm not sure why I hit the brakes, but I'm going to be moderating this next competition, so hopefully I'll be able to kick some butt again this fall.

I'm in a super weird place right now.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I had complete faith that I'd have a job by now.  I was POSITIVE it would be in a school.  Not only am I not in a school, I'm nowhere.  I joke that this fall I'll be running my hustle by subbing, working at Sycamore Rouge and teaching with Drama Kids, but it's hard to work so hard when I could be chillin' on unemployment.  The whole thing is a trap.

During an interview this week, the woman I was interviewing with turned out to be the grandmother of one of my favorite students.  She asked me why I left, because it was clear that I loved it.  It was the first time anyone told me that it was clear that I loved anything.  The problem right now is that I can't find a teaching job-- anywhere.  I've tried.  I applied for every opening, then emailed every principal in the surrounding counties to let them know that I'm available.  Nothin.  So... I applied to grad school and I'm looking at a Masters in Special Education.  I'm really into it and now it's just a waiting game.  When does one stop waiting and start just living?

Better and Worse

I'm better in that I've stopped freaking out actively about our financial situation and my personal self-loathing.  This week has been bad emotionally, and so it has been bad nutritionally, too.  I haven't actually had anything to drink today.  I ate a whole bunch of grapes, so I guess I'm not thirsty.  I don't know.

I got five more rejections today.

I applied to be the theatre business manager at Temple University today.

I haven't done any form of exercise since yesterday morning and I feel crappy.

I've been purging all our stuff.  I'm even ready to sell the DVDs.  Not kidding.

Wanna buy some?

I'm Losing It

I have no job.
I'm not cut out to spend 24 hours a day with this kid.
I'm questioning every choice I ever made.
I want to stab everyone.

THIS HAS TO END.

Glee

Every now and then I find something that moves me to obsession.

When I was a teenager, it was Hanson.

Then in college, Dave Matthews Band.

It's been a long time since I was in love with piece of pop culture and I resisted Glee for a long time.  I don't know what episode I watched one time, but I was annoyed, so I never paid attention, even when they made headlines.

So... Margot grabs hold of the PS3 controller, which is how we watch Netflix, and clicks random buttons all the time.  A week or so ago, she landed on Glee and I cried during the first episode and I was hooked.  Jane Lynch is a comedic genius and everyone else is just pretty and sings and dances and who doesn't love that?!

One thing that I've rediscovered about myself is how much music can move me to another place altogether.  Sometimes just the first few notes of a song can make me start weeping.  Hymns from my childhood have the effect on me and do many love songs.  I'm going to just own this and not be shamed by my easy tears.  :)

Easy to laugh, easy to cry.

Also-- this is my new celebrity crush.