Jehovah's Ass Clowns

I swear to god, if I'm awoken one more Saturday morning by the most annoying people on earth, there will be blood.

My neighborhood is on the verge of the ghetto. It's a nice enough place with lots and lots of old people but is in a weird location. Not an easy location to find from Hull St, and is across from a really trashing apartment complex on the other side. HOW DO THESE PEOPLE FIND US?! I kid you not, we have Jehovah's Witnesses on our doorstep every few weeks. WHY?! I don't need to be saved and no I don't want to talk about your insane cult!

I wouldn't be so angry about them if they weren't so damned annoying. Here's what I mean: This morning I'm laying in bed. I'm tired. I stayed up all night talking to kb. The doorbell rings. I KNOW it's them. I don't even have to get out of bed to know, because it's immediately followed by the yanking open of my storm door and the knocking. The knocking for a good minute. RUDE. If I WAS open to having you save my soul today, I'M CERTAINLY NOT NOW! Still, all this I can wait out. Until the dumb bitch rings the doorbell again and it gets stuck. My doorbell has a "ding" then a "dong" and in the middle is apparently this "holding buzz" noise. The noise isn't so annoying, but all I can imagine is the damn doorbell buzzing into it's death.

So I get up. I put on Jesse's robe and prepare to punch someone in the face. As I come around the corner, I see the girl leaving and thank my lucky stars. I open the door and of course a copy of the Watchtower falls down. I kick it onto the porch and un-stick the doorbell. If I'd had my glasses on, I'm sure I'd have seen the dirty looks of the others walking the street. I don't think they'd bother me so much if they just rang the bell and left the magazine, but it's like you OWE them to come to the door and listen to them go on about their freakish cult. And this isn't even the worst time!

When I auditioned for Henley Street, I was getting ready and I heard the bell. I knew. I ignored. Then came the knocking. This was all at my front door. Knocking for at least 2 or 3 minutes. Then I hear them banging on the door to the carport! WTF?! Not knocking, banging with a fist. I was about to go scald them with my straightener, when I thought better of it. Those assholes would be the kind to sue me. Then the clincher: they tried the doorknobs. I could hear them at both doors jiggling the doorknob. WTF!? As if when they turned it and it opened, they'd just welcome themselves in. Who do these ass-clowns think they are!?

I'm thinking of next time, inviting them in and then secretly calling the police to say I have lunatics in my house who are in need of medical care. "But really, officer... they just told me that Satan is the invisible ruler of the world. Please come quickly!"