I cried all night. I received a confirmation of my Peace Corps application on May 21 and on May 26, they sent out a rejection letter. According to their website, only 5-10% of applications are outirght rejected. They said that most people give up during the lengthy application process. Not me... I was rejected. In trying to rack my brain to think of why... I'm coming back to weight.

I know, no one likes to hear the self-deprication, but weight and height are questions on the application. Do they calculate BMI and reject you if you're a lard ass? Am I a medical liability? I have tons of volunteer experience, some carpentry, some masonry, and teaching experience, but they rejected me. Without so much as an interview nor with a recruiter even contacting me! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

And the sad thing is that you'd think this would drive my ass into gear, that I'd go get on my eliptical right now... but all I want to do is lay in bed, eat Rocky Road and cry. Cry mostly because if a VOLUNTEER organization doesn't want me... what hope have I?

Memorial Day

Damn it! I have to work in new GOOD habits. My bad habits of sleeping as late as possible, avoiding water, and sitting as much as possible have twarted my restart day. I went to Annie's for lunch with Jen and didn't eat too much at least. I drank diet coke and enjoyed some good company.

Before I went to pick up Jen, I went by the cemetary to leave flowers on Jeff's grave. I've never been a particularly patriotic person, but I try to be a faithful friend. There were lots of flowers there already a few little American flags and a yard flag with his name and rank on it. It made me so sad to think about it all over again. I had a dream the other night that Jeff was in a movie similar to Mighty Ducks and I woke up crying. It's just too damn much.

I'm thinking of you today Reed fam. Love you.

Hiding

I hide when I've been bad. When I was a kid and I wanted to avoid my dad wrath, I hid in the bathroom and pretended to be using it. It was a very effective tool.

This same idea applies here. I've not been doing any of the things I promised myself... so I've been hiding. I haven't weighed myself for fear. Which is totally stupid because putting it off isn't going to change my mass. Duh. Jesse says when he hugs me, I feel thinner. I somehow doubt it.

Ok, picking back up tomorrow. Breakfast, Wii Fit, early lunch with Jen and Annie, afternoon with Jesse, then rehearsal tomorrow night. Go team!

Bad news. Arby's is the only fast food on the right side of the street on my way to rehearsal.

Sigh...

Baby- Makers

Happy Mothers' Day, baby-makers.

I hope all my wonderful friends who have delightful children enjoyed their days!

Sick-o

I am sick. I am sinus pressure-runny nose-coughing-headache-achy-fever-ears ringing sick. I've already whined about this, but I'm still sick and thought this would be a good time to talk about meds.

I do not like to take meds.

There are many reasons for this, not least of which are my conspiracy theories inspired by Kevin Trudeau. Why is it that we can create seedless watermelons but still don't have a cure for cancer? I'm with Kev-dawg when he says that the drug companies are trying to keep us sick. Case-in-point: the new doctor I went to for this current illness prescribed me some pill that ends in "-dryl". It is supposed to be a decongestant as well as an antihistamine. I have been taking it since yesterday and seen NO difference in my very painful sinus congestion. This is only the second time I can remember having such painful sinus pressure. I don't know how people with allergies survive. I digress. The point is that if I'm going to give up my principles to take a medicine, it had better fucking work! It isn't.

This brings me to Metformin. Metformin is a medication that my previous doctor prescribed for me to deal with the PCOS and weight issues. It's supposed to regulate your body in general, but what really happens is that it balances out blood sugar issues. Anyway-- a side effect is digestive discomfort. For me, this meant bathroom between every class for 2 weeks while my body got used to it then a general nauseous feeling most of the time after that. I'm sure after a while I would have gotten used to it, but I forgot to take it once, then another, then I lost the bottle. I actually lost 4 lbs the first week I was on it, so I'm guessing it does work. I hate the idea of being on a medication my whole life, but I think the PCOS might actually be hurting me more. I don't know. I'm torn.

Opinions?

Epic Fail

Elise,

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Director position at Sycamore Rouge. We have had the opportunity to review your resume and regret to inform you that we have chosen other candidates.

Again, we appreciate your interest in Sycamore Rouge. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.


I'm really sad.

Under 40 BMI!

I'm still morbidly obese, but under 40 BMI!

Off the Wagon

Since it was a show week, I've allowed myself some leverage. Well... I've just been conscious of eating anything I can get my hands on when I'm hungry and avoided fast food until last night. Back on the wagon today.

I am also sick. On Friday morning I woke up with a sore throat, which isn't rare for me. I went to work because I was taking the kids to see Annie (which was cute, GO SHALANDIS!). During the show I started to get a headache and felt the shivers associated with a fever. By the time we got back to school, I was full on freezing and burning up simultaneously. I couldn't leave early because I was waiting on a check, so I just sit in the money lady's office all afternoon. When I got home, I immediately laid down in my bed to nap as long as I could before the show. I set my alarm for 5pm. You should also know that I DON'T nap. A friend of mine once tried to explain to me the benefits of a proper power nap, but I've never gotten the gist. I always make up feeling groggy and sweaty. This nap was no exception, but I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I just curled up in all my clothes, including my jacket, and slept.

When I woke up, I got out the thermometer, which gave me a temp reading of 100.1. Grr. (When I took my temp again yesterday, knowing I no longer felt the fever, it read 96.2. This makes me wonder if my temp on Friday was really 102.1!! Yikes! Incidentally, the thermometer currently reads 96.0 Go Figure.) I was half delirious, hot, tired, gross... but I still drove to Wawa to get a FRESH sandwich instead of hitting any one of the 6 fast food joints on Crater Rd. Yes! This is what I've been doing most of the week OR I've been stoping for California Rolls at Ukrops. It makes me FEEL like I'm doing better on the eating front, but I'm not sure. On days when I know I've gone over calories, I avoid Sparkpeople. It's like the good old spark is going to yell at me or something. I know it's not, but still. I've also avoided Wii Fit. I skipped Wednesday on accident. I didn't do Friday because I was sick and yesterday I laid in bed until close to 2pm. Excuses, excuses, right?

In good news, I'm going to be in another play. Copenhagen by Michael Frayn at Sycamore Rouge. This is part of their Six Blocks Series. Directors apply to do plays in their theatre with no set and minimal props, costumes, etc. They only use 6 acting blocks. I LOVE this idea as I am a minimalist at heart. I'll be playing Maragethe Bohr, wife to the legendary Niels Bohr. Little older than I, but I've been known to play older, more regal characters than myself. I'm excited and hope you'll come see it. The reason I bring it up is that rehearsals are the number one reason I don't eat correctly and at the right times of day. I'm going to have to really plan ahead, or starve. Starving is never a good option, so I'm going to having to hike up my big girl drawers and forge ahead.

Go team!