And we're live...

Something interesting to note: I did get hired from that September 17 interview.  It's been 9 weeks since my last post and not a whole lot has happened.

I haven't been running at all.  I ran the first of October, then not again until I ran two races back to back and hurt my left foot, the I didn't run at all for about a month.  About a week before the Donut Run, I got out and did 2 miles, but damn do I dislike running in the cold.  A few folks have suggested running in the evening instead of in the morning, so I may try that.  I had a really great time running with Carmen and Elizabeth during the Donut Run. :)

On November 1, I started a No (low) Carb November.  I did AWESOMELY until November 14-- The Melting Pot Date with book club.  I ate and drank like a starving person.  Then was the RM staff meeting-- same result.  Then Thanksgiving week-- family Thursday, friends Friday, family Saturday, and now I'm going to spend the day eating all the left-overs so we can get back on track for this week.  I'm no-carbing it until the end of this competition, Dec. 9.  My goal is to get into the 180s.  Wow-- can you imagine?  I don't remember a time I saw 180 on a scale.  It was before I cared about such things.

In other news: I cut all my hair off.

Before:

After:

Week 1

Successes: I lost some mass.  I stopped McDonald's for good.

Failures:  I didn't run.  I drank A LOT.  I had an emotional breakdown.

Today I watched a movie recommended to me by my doctor called The Secret.  The overall message is a good one, but the production is reminiscent of A Case for Christ.  That's bad.  Now I'm stuck on Netflix stuff on happiness documentaries.

I've also been listening to books on Buddhism.  I'm into it.  Taking responsibility for myself and my thoughts and emotions.  Working on it.

It Starts, Again

I got up at 5am.

I ran 2 miles.

I ate eggs for breakfast.

I'm going to shower and go to a job interview.

I WILL GET HIRED.

I'm then going grocery shopping.

I will not freak out about my missing wallet.

I will not lament my life choices today.

New-ish

I'm raw and vulnerable tonight.  I'm ready for a change, but don't know what it is.  I feel completely out of control.  Maybe this is how Christians fee when they "let God take over."  All I know is that right now, I can control one thing: my body.  I was pigging out all the last two weeks and I feel so gross.  Tomorrow, I'm focusing on a healthy me.  I can do it.  Focus on me, Margot and Jesse.  That's all that matters right now.  The rest can wait.

Question:  Has anyone had success with meditation in any form?

Cruel Summer

During the weight loss competition, I lost 26lbs officially.  That was 12 weeks.  Since then, I've lost only 3 lbs.  Really?  Come on, self!  I'm not sure why I hit the brakes, but I'm going to be moderating this next competition, so hopefully I'll be able to kick some butt again this fall.

I'm in a super weird place right now.  I'm a very optimistic person.  I had complete faith that I'd have a job by now.  I was POSITIVE it would be in a school.  Not only am I not in a school, I'm nowhere.  I joke that this fall I'll be running my hustle by subbing, working at Sycamore Rouge and teaching with Drama Kids, but it's hard to work so hard when I could be chillin' on unemployment.  The whole thing is a trap.

During an interview this week, the woman I was interviewing with turned out to be the grandmother of one of my favorite students.  She asked me why I left, because it was clear that I loved it.  It was the first time anyone told me that it was clear that I loved anything.  The problem right now is that I can't find a teaching job-- anywhere.  I've tried.  I applied for every opening, then emailed every principal in the surrounding counties to let them know that I'm available.  Nothin.  So... I applied to grad school and I'm looking at a Masters in Special Education.  I'm really into it and now it's just a waiting game.  When does one stop waiting and start just living?

Better and Worse

I'm better in that I've stopped freaking out actively about our financial situation and my personal self-loathing.  This week has been bad emotionally, and so it has been bad nutritionally, too.  I haven't actually had anything to drink today.  I ate a whole bunch of grapes, so I guess I'm not thirsty.  I don't know.

I got five more rejections today.

I applied to be the theatre business manager at Temple University today.

I haven't done any form of exercise since yesterday morning and I feel crappy.

I've been purging all our stuff.  I'm even ready to sell the DVDs.  Not kidding.

Wanna buy some?

I'm Losing It

I have no job.
I'm not cut out to spend 24 hours a day with this kid.
I'm questioning every choice I ever made.
I want to stab everyone.

THIS HAS TO END.

Glee

Every now and then I find something that moves me to obsession.

When I was a teenager, it was Hanson.

Then in college, Dave Matthews Band.

It's been a long time since I was in love with piece of pop culture and I resisted Glee for a long time.  I don't know what episode I watched one time, but I was annoyed, so I never paid attention, even when they made headlines.

So... Margot grabs hold of the PS3 controller, which is how we watch Netflix, and clicks random buttons all the time.  A week or so ago, she landed on Glee and I cried during the first episode and I was hooked.  Jane Lynch is a comedic genius and everyone else is just pretty and sings and dances and who doesn't love that?!

One thing that I've rediscovered about myself is how much music can move me to another place altogether.  Sometimes just the first few notes of a song can make me start weeping.  Hymns from my childhood have the effect on me and do many love songs.  I'm going to just own this and not be shamed by my easy tears.  :)

Easy to laugh, easy to cry.

Also-- this is my new celebrity crush.

Another Let Down

A received three more refusal emails today.  One of them was the last theatre job that is open within 50 miles, so my teaching hopes for next year are nil.  God, this sucks.

Color Me Rad

On Saturday, I completed my first "run".  It was Color Me Rad and though is was not actually a 5k, it was fun.  I had such a feeling of success and joy when I was done.  I'm a little disappointed that it was not 5k, because I thought I had an amazing run time, but I'm running a REAL 5k next Saturday to make up for it.  Here are some pictures!

Before... 7am

  

After... 10am

   

Start line.  My phone was in a ziplock.

I wore my crappy shoes, so my feet were killing me after.  When I took my shoes off...

I don't know why, but I LOVE this picture.

In other news, I'm back under 200.  199.3.

Laziness = Failure

Well, not always.  Sometimes my laziness creates extreme efficiency and I get a ton done so that I can be as lazy as possible later. But right now, I'm failing because I don't plan ahead and I'm lazy.

Today Margot and I went to the Hanover Tomato Festival.  I was planning in sharing something to eat with Margot while we were there and then chugging water.  That reminds me...

Ok, I'm back.  I haven't had anything to drink in hours.  Lazy.

Anyway, I didn't think ahead to the fact that instead of spending money, I could bring our own food, nor did I think ahead that fair vendors are not going to take plastic and that a small local fair won't rent an ATM machine.  So what ended up happening is that Margot had some snacks from a churchy group and my sugar got low.  Also, since I had spent the morning chugging water, I had to pee, but there was no way to do so.  Port-o-potties are not exactly toddler friendly.    In the end, we walked around and looked at stuff, I got this awesome sign:

More info:   http://www.powellforva.com/

and we left.  When we left, I was anxious to find somewhere we could eat and use the bathroom.  Pole Green Rd, which turns into Meadowbridge Rd has NOTHING on it.  We finally hit a McDonald's at Laburnum.  It was gross.  I ate more than the whole day's worth of calories in one sitting, but I couldn't make myself stop until I stopped shaking from the low blood sugar.  ALL of these problems could have been avoided if I had just planned ahead. 

1785 calories in one sitting.  No wonder...

I’ve also been failing at forcing Jesse to eat well.  We ate out twice yesterday and it was because: 1.)  I hate cooking. 2.) Jesse didn’t feel like cooking. 3.) I wanted to give Jesse what he wanted.  So yesterday I solicited a promise to go for a walk after dinner tonight but with the weather like it is, I doubt that will happen.  I just feel defeated.  I broke through 200, only to jump right back up when I hadn't been yo-yo-ing at all.  Every single week I was consistently losing weight.  


What's wrong with me?  


Why won't I let myself succeed?

Little of Importance

I've been struggling these past few weeks with my unemployment and a feeling of general unrest and dissatisfaction.  This leads to eating three bowls of Cherrios.  How do you handle this?

Vacation Sabotage

I gained five pounds on vacation and they were all from drinking.  I've been punished with being fat and with a hell of a hang-over on the way home today.  Ugh.  Back on the wagon tomorrow.

In other news... I am now one of those iPhone people.

One-derland!

199, y'all.

This morning when I woke up, I thought, "I bet I can run to Kroger and back."  And I did.  Five miles.  I was running for 2.9 of those miles and sweating my ASS off.  On my way back I was crossing the street when a woman in an SUV waved me down.  She said, "I saw you going up that way earlier.  You're doing a great job.  Keep it up."  :)  It was very kind and made me feel really good. There's an older guy in my neighborhood who always cheers me on when he sees me running.  Why are these people so nice?  It reminds me of just how little effort it takes to make someone feel good and encourages me to do the same for others.

In celebration of my weigh-in today, I went to Kiss and Make Up to buy new bras.  Mine were WAY too big, but I made myself wait until I reached my first goal to buy new ones.  As always, going there is like heaven.  Ruth, the owner, is a true treasure and just looked at me to guess how much weight I had lost and what my new bra size would be.  I went from a 40G to a 36G.  My cup size didn't change, but I lost 4 inches on the band!!!!  Putting on the new bra, I felt like my breasts were floating.  There are few greater joys in life than truly supported, lifted and separated breasts.  

So...here we are in ONE-derland (as they say on Biggest Loser).  I haven't been here since my Southbeach days in my senior year of college.  2003.  9 years.  I gotta say... I'm pretty proud.

Gross

I feel completely gross.

I'm on my period and still trying to keep up with the running, but this old school cramping is killing me.   From my shoulders to my knees--PAIN.  There should be a service for women when they are suffering menses where someone comes to take care of her child so that said child does not spend the day in only a diaper eating cereal, bananas, and leftover noodles.

I got slightly motivated during nap time and took down the old drapery rods.  Then I realized that I needed a drill to put up a new one.  So now I'm sitting on the couch in pain and the love seat has all kinds of broken blinds and screws and brackets littering the cushions.  I like the window with nothing on it, but when I expressed this opinion to Jesse, he said, "I don't.  It's scary.  People and aliens can look in."

On that note, fb brought me this gem today:

.7

Gain.  Again.

I will be under 200 on Sunday.

First Week of Weight GAIN

201.7.

This week has been rough, but the problem lies in my depressed state.  I was eating out because I didn't feel like cooking/preparing anything.  I wasn't running because I kept finding other things I "needed" to do.  I'm really disappointed in myself because I really thought I'd kill 200 this week.

I just feel like everything in my life is up in the air.  No job.  No job prospects.  No income plan.

At least my kid is cute.

First "Sentence"

Help me.

She's so cute.

I Won Second Place!

Woot!  I weighed in at 201.  Just 2 lbs shy of my goal for this challenge.  Then this week has been another emotional roller coast and I can feel myself sliding back into bad choices called "McDonald's" or "Taco Bell" or "Hong Kong Delivery".  I also haven't run since Sunday. It is Thursday.

I had another interview this week.  It was for a part-time position in Hanover.  The principal was interesting.  She went on and on about how strong the theatre program is, then she told me the time-line of said program.  For 10 years the school had a full-time teacher and did musicals like "Seussical" and "Annie".  Then she cut the position to part-time, which caused the teacher to leave.  Last year she had a teacher who was part-time theatre and part-time language arts.  Since the LA position was cut and the teacher needs a full-time position, they are hiring someone for just part-time theatre.  It sounds like to me that the theatre classes are on the chopping block.  Now, that either means that theatre is low on the priority list for this principal or that the class numbers are low-- which would make sense if the teacher previously was doing only musicals. Let's be real-- if kids want to sing, they'll take chorus.  I didn't leave with a sense of my prospects positive or not, but I don't know about if I'd take it part-time if it was offered to me.  Sigh...

In Margot news, she mockingbird-ed her first curse word the other night.  "B!tch".  So proud.  Before you get all judgey-pants, you should know that no one was calling anyone a b!tch.  She also started sleeping in her crib for a few hours a night. Baby steps!

Emotional Eating

I admit it.  I eat when I'm upset.  I'm upset.  I did not get rehired and I don't know what I am going to do now.

This morning I ate McGriddles. Tonight pizza.

Tomorrow I'll have the day to myself and I'll run.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Second Place

I'm currently in second place for the Richmond Mommies weight loss challenge!  Woot!

I weigh 205.2.  Winning.

I don't think I can lose 6 lbs this week, BUT I may be getting very good news tomorrow... we'll see.

Words She Already Had

We just keep noticing and remembering ones she already had:

help
hi-yah (like a karate kick)
thank you

Also tonight, she touched my nose and said, "Nose."  :)  I was giddy.

Single Digits!

Sort of... in the single digits above 200.

208.8  Woot!

Also, Margot is being really cute and fun today.  Words to add:  book and bath.

Margot's Words

I am going to make a word wall for Margot, but I thought we should start keeping track today.

Bye-Bye

Mommy

Daddy

Hi

Kitty

More

Please

Baby

Hot 

Cold

Go

No

Weeeeee

Uh-Oh

Ow

Ew

Night-Night

Yay

She also fake snores.  :)

Sick

I feel like ass today.  Sore throat, congestion, achiness.  I just want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream all day while watching Grey's Anatomy.  Instead I've been applying for jobs, trolling chat boards and reading about no-waste living.  It sounds lovely, but I imagine it would have to be taken one baby step at a time.

On Tuesday, Jesse and I went to Barnes and Noble to wander around and I found a Vegetarian Bible (that is an all-encompassing book about veggies, not a scripture for vegetarians) and was really interested.  I eat meat because it has always been the staple of every meal in my life.  I don't, however, think it has to be that way.  I asked my therapist the other day about veggies because I just can't seem to like very many of them, and she recommended How to Cook Everything Vegetarian.  She explained that it breaks down all kinds of foods and gives recommendations on how to enjoy them from raw to boiled to baked.  It also came with a hefty price tag, so I bought the $5 bible and reserved the mammoth how-to from the library.

(side note: I am trying to reduce our owned items and books is at the top of my list.  If libraries carried and preserved PLAYS, I'd be able to get rid of LOTS of books... sigh...)

I was planning to go out running again today, but I just feel too terrible and by now it is probably like a sauna outside.  I don't even feel like cleaning.  No you should know how ill I really am.

19 Months

My angel girls is 19 months old today.

That picture is from yesterday when we went to Yorktown Beach for a few hours.  It was a lovely Mother's Day.  I'll take experiences over things as gifts any day!

To add to my joy, I'm now at 211.6.  :)

Gained 3 lbs in ONE DAY

Yes, folks, it can be done.  I weighed in at 211 yesterday morning and this morning I weighed in at 214.

Kill me.

Here is the culprit:

"Bubbles?" you may be asking yourself.  Yes, bubbles.  Actually the orange icing there and the cake inside the bubbles are what killed me yesterday.  I went to Conor's birthday party and I had saved up calories during the day so I would have some cake, but I lost control and ate and ate and ate and ate....
-- guacamole, a solid CUP, it had to be and with tortilla chips-- a lot of them
-- 2 hotdogs, relish, ketchup, one bun
-- 2 slices of that cake.  (I did have icing left on my plate, but that's because I was scared of diabetic coma, had I eaten all that sugar.)
--2 bowls of fruit salad
-- a bottle of David's homemade beer
--a scoop of potato salad
-- and NO exercise (thank you, rain)

I had such a good week, too.  I'm really upset about the sudden gain.  It did allow for a loss over the course of the week, but I was rough on myself during my run this morning and the subsequent core work-out.

The coming week will be better.

Too Much Cayenne

That's how I failed the Master Cleanse.  After talking with a friend today who did it without the cayenne, I may try it again.  I may not.  I took the first sip and was blown away by the overpowering spice, then decided to chug the bottle and almost vomited.  Gah.

I got back onto my jogging bandwagon.  Tried to do it yesterday but the stroller proved too much for the 5 minute run.  I went out this morning alone and was successful.

I also discovered today that the Kirkland's Fruit and Nut Medley has 140 calories per 1/4 cup.  I ate at least 2 cups of it tonight, which was almost my entire day's calories, but since I had all this exercise today it balances according to My Fitness Pal.  I think I may pre-bag up the fruit/nut goodness to avoid said catastrophe again.

In other news, I think my brother told me today that I was looking hot.  Win.

Master Cleanse

Today I am beginning the Master Cleanse.  I am going to commit to three days and re-evaluate that that point.  This will put me on about 600 calories a day, so I'm not going to push it with too much exercise.  I just need to clean out my body and mind and refocus on what my goals really are in life, in health, and in career.

I weighed in yesterday at 215.2.  I've officially lost 20 lbs down from my top weight.  Win.  :)




PS-- If you click the link, it goes to the middle of the article where the cleanse recipe is.  I recommend reading the whole article.

216.2

Woot!  Jesse gained weight this week and is feeling down.  Off to try to motivate him.

Also-- I had a dream last night that I ran a non-profit organization that gave out grants of sex.  Our mission was "to enhance lives my providing sexual satisfaction for those in need."  Ha!

Ups and Downs

This week has been a challenging one and one that is full of anxiety.  The situation at the theatre is nebulous at best and bleak at worst.  Waiting on owed pay is no picnic.  Then I found out Tuesday that the teacher who replaced me is on paid leave pending a public hearing.

My first reaction was tremendous sorrow for her.  My second reaction was... "So that position might be open?"  I called the office to find out that they had already secured a long-term sub.  Then I offered to volunteer to help put together a play with the kids in this short amount of time.  Politely refused.  They've planned another activity with the kids, which is wonderful.  Lesser admins would have just canceled the show.  Wonderful admins is one of the things that made leaving such a hard decision for me.  As it turns out, I made the wrong decision.  I've emailed the appropriate people and filed the appropriate paperwork to reapply for the job or any other job in the county.  Now it's a waiting game.

Waiting is so hard.

I feel like I have done a lot of waiting over the course of my life, thinking, "When THIS happens, everything will be ok," and sometimes when the thing happens, everything is ok for a bit.  Then I fixate on some other point in the future.  I had all but let go of getting back into the county until this news this week.  When I was talking with Jesse about it, I kept listing off the things that would make our life sooooo much better if I was rehired in CCPS.  He agreed with everything and said that he wishes I had never left.  He's a wonderfully supportive man who wants me to be happy.  The decision to leave was what I wanted at the time and he supported me.  If I wanted to fly to the moon he'd probably say, "Can we afford it?"  :)  In fact, I told him that my life goal was to visit every continent and he looked up cruises to Antarctica.  $7000 each.  No, we can't afford it.  ;)

So here we are.  I'm feeling thinner, which is cool, but feeling way more stress, which is not cool.  One fun thing that I noticed this morning... my feet look skinnier.  Win.

218.2

I can't believe I lost anything this week, much less nearly 2 lbs.  I ate very poorly, was entirely stressed out by the goings on at the theatre and only ran 3 times.  I've been trying to run every other day and walk on the off days, but I think I might be able to just run every day.  Does anyone have experience with this?  I mean... don't get me wrong... I'm still doing intervals, so it's not like I'm running more than 90 second at a time.

Jesse and I also discussed this week the benefits of Weight Watchers. I was thinking of joining for the two month in the package, but I'm not sure.  A few folks recommended My Fitness Pal, but I don't know much about it.  Input welcome!

Thursday night was the worst for the eating... between the three of us, Jesse Margot and I ate three corndogs, fries, a funnel cake, a beer, two diet cokes, a hotdog and a bag of peanuts.  Good lord it was delicious, but probably not worth the calories.  It was worth her royal cuteness though...

Surprising Loss

220.1

After having eaten poorly this week and only run twice, I see this as a win for losing at all.

Saturday was especially interesting.  Not only did I have to pay attention to what I was eating, I have a $10 spending limit for food and I was traveling to, from and in NYC.  I was kinda smart about it and brought along an apple, a pear, some baby bell light cheese wheels, and granola (which I didn't even eat).  I also had great seat-mates who kept me laughing the whole 13+ hour trip, so I must have been burning some calories while sitting still.  I ended up eating a stromboli and a quesadilla in addition to the snacks, so I didn't really do too badly.  I drank only water, but did smoke a few.

I also got to see A Streetcar Named Desire and be part of a photo shoot where old women elbowed me out of the way to get close to Blair Underwood.  For folks who don't know, Sycamore Rouge is located in Petersburg, hometown of Mr. Underwood.  His dad, Frank, is on our Board of directors and I'm good friends with his brother, Frank Jr.  This trip was coordinated as a "Petersburg Pride" day.  We all have on red t-shirts.  :)

As you can see, my face barely makes it in (see that one white girl on the left?) due to the insane old woman love of Blair.  You should know that the was so pressed up against the woman in front of me that Blair's arm was resting on my bosoms.  A good day.  :)

I Won!

I won this week's weigh-in on Richmond Mommies!  I'm so proud of myself!





...... I won't think about what I ate yesterday......

Why Did I Wait?

I'm really enjoying "running".  I put it in quotations because I'm moving only slightly faster than walking.  I just really like it.  Why did I wait so long?  I used to always joke that I didn't run unless I was being chased by someone with a knife.  I don't know what I thought it would be like.  Maybe it's the way I'm starting in 60 second intervals, but I am really liking it and find myself wanting to do more.

The whole thing makes me seek further introspection.  I mean, was I saying things like that because I don't really like myself and didn't think I COULD do something like this?  I'm pretty self-deprecating on a regular basis, using comedy as a coping skill, but really-- what was I waiting for?  I feel like I CAN do anything right now.

Of course... maybe that's the endorphins talking.  Hell of a drug, a brain can be.

Terrific Twos

When I was pregnant, I always dreaded/looked forward to the scale.  I had MANY appointments because of my weight and because of PCOS, which lead to insulin dependent gestational diabetes.  I was severely limiting my carbs and LOST 30 lbs while I was carrying Margot.  During that time, carbs were not an option.  I just didn't eat them very much at all.  It wasn't that hard, really.  I remember having lunch with my dad one day and talking about how it really wasn't that difficult.  He's type 1 diabetic and also struggles with the same affliction: love of carbs and couches.  :)  Anyway, I remember the day I called Jesse and yelled, "222!"  I was so excited that my weight was all "2"s and that Margot was still healthy.

I know that no one should ever be excited when there is a "2" in front of their weight, but I'm down to 222.2 today!  That means I lost almost 4 lbs this week and it wasn't hard at all!  I'm hoping the rainy-ness goes away so that I can take Margot out for a walk/jog.  I *think* I started this thing at 227... so really, it's only 5lbs and almost 4 of that in just this week.

Just goes to show what paying attention to eating and a little jogging can do!

New-to-Us Stroller

Jesse, Margot and I just got back from our first walk with the new-to-us stroller.  I was really nervous because Margot has historically hated being in the stroller.  Tonight she screamed for a minute, but settled as soon as we strapped her in and gave her some Cherrios and milk.  :)  Jesse and I took a nice walk, probably about 25 minutes, and talked and enjoyed each other.

Thank you Ann from CL for a great deal!

Today I did not eat breakfast.  Boo.  Then I had an early lunch with Jesse at a Vietnamese restaurant and I feel like ass so we has pizza for dinner.  To be fair, I did look up which delivery place was the "healthiest" and ordered light cheese and light sauce.

Back on the wagon in the morning.

Couch to 5K

I decided today was the day.  

This is big for me because I've never, ever, ever run voluntarily before.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that the last time I remember running anywhere was to catch a bus in London.  That was 2003.  I did the first day of the Couch to 5K training thing and it was easy.  I mean I didn't even break a sweat because it was breezy out.  But really, it was not hard.  It makes me feel better about myself that I wasn't passing out like those folks on biggest loser on their first day.  Of course, I'm not being trained by Bob and Jillian either.  In any case, as soon as I got home, after chatting with my old lady neighbor for a few, I was motivated.  I cleaned out the garbage can (like, with the hose--- soooo gross), then filled it back up with broken branches from our yard.  I then took the hose and cleaned out Margot's kiddie pool.  I came inside and made a to-do list which included random errands, buying used sleepers for Margot, buying a used stroller for Margot and then letting her play in the play area in the mall.  She actually rode in the new-to-us stroller without screaming.  Win!

I also ate very little today.  Breakfast sandwich, Thai noodle lunch, lots of water, tuna for dinner and two sugar free Popsicles.  I think the key for me is being busy, but planning to eat.  If I get bored, I eat.  If I get too busy, I starve then binge.  It's a balancing act, I guess.

A New Day

Last night Jesse texted me and asked if I wanted ice cream and I said, "No."  It's a baby step and I'm proud of it.

This morning, I weighed in.  Ate breakfast and had some water.  I'm selling a bunch of stuff today and putting that money toward joining a gym.  I don't know which one, but I need somewhere else to go.  When I am home, I yield to what Margot and Jesse need.  It's what moms are supposed to do, but I've got to make my health a priority.

I'm just lucky enough to have a wonderfully supportive husband.  <3

Bad Days Turn Into Bad Weeks

I think I said before that I'm participating in a biggest loser style thing online, but this will be the second week that I'm in last place, for sure.  I keep taking things day by day, but then the bad days turn into bad weeks and months and then it's been almost two years of really, really hard stuff going on.  How come I was able to eat well when I was pregnant and now I can't seem to get it together?

Shitty

For real.

Just shitty.

Need a pick-me-up that doesn't involve rocky or road.

How do you love veggies?

I believe the people who say that the secret to health lies in veggies.  I know they are right but I just won't eat them.  I KNOW it has to do with the fact that I was raised with very few on the table, but I am an adult and should be able to change my eating patterns, right?  This dawned on me yesterday when I had a very low moment and got a sandwich at Wendy's.  I ordered a chicken club WITHOUT lettuce and tomato.  That's how I always order stuff.  I remove everything that isn't meat, cheese or sauce-- all of which are terrible for health, not to mention terrible for fatties!

How do you learn to love veggies?

Failure... sort of.

I picked up the new juicer yesterday and today I am going to use it.  I'm looking up recipes, but I have to make a confession.  I had McDonald's today.  What I DID do, however, was order a bottle of water and a cheeseburger.  No fries, no soda.

Baby steps.

This was one of my "on-the-go" meals when I was pregnant, because I was avoiding carbs.  The bun of the burger is better than having fries.  It's allllll about choices.  ;)

Inspired by my fellow Richmond Mommies, I'm dusting off this old nickname.  Booty-do is back.  And hopefully going away for good this time.  I started a Biggest Loser style competition yesterday.  I swore off smoking, drinking and food... well chewing.  I was supposed to start a juice fast, but we can't find the integral part of the juicer-- the blade.  Tomorrow I am buying a Jack LaLanne juicer from someone a Ft Lee.  In honor of the death of our current juicer we had pizza for dinner last night and Chinese for dinner tonight.

Jesse has actually been upset because he has gained back a few pounds and his new jeans don't fit right anymore.  He really liked doing wight-watchers, but now that I've been laid off and have limited income, we can't afford for him to rejoin.  I was really hoping there was a couples fee, but only solos.

Last night we both took "before" pictures.  We both looked at ourselves and nearly wretched, but looking at each other we were happy.  I look at Jesse and I see a lovable bear-man whose weight means little to me.  He says that when we met he was 50 lbs lighter and hat he only ate oatmeal.  Maybe that's a good weight loss secret!  Anyway, tomorrow is a new day.